Intimacy in communes: How to not be a sex cult

Part eight in our Wheel of Life series

I procrastinated writing about this topic. Intimacy is part of The Good Life for me and I guess most other people, but writing about intimacy and community at the same time immediately creates the image of a sex cult from the seventies.

I think a good story for how intimacy and community can work well together is a story from Selgars - the ten-people coliving in the British countryside. Compared with a French chateau and a hippie community in Portugal, the British digital nomad community was the one where I expected the least intimacy.

Part eight of our Wheel of Life series. Subscribe for the last two.

Yet on the second day of our stay, a singer-songwriter couple decided to offer a workshop to the group that to my surprise everybody participated in: The Human Forest. During the workshop, after a group opening to build trust, we were divided in two groups. After one group was blindfolded, the other group could anonymously touch people in the first group, within clear boundaries monitored by the faciliators.

The effect this had on me was that I immediately felt a closer connection with everybody, more trust, and more peace. I could now explain this away by saying the touch probably led to a release of the neurotransmitter oxytocin and the effects I observed are exactly the effects that oxytocin has, but at the end that is saying the same thing: Intimacy can lead to trust, connection, calm.

At the end of the day, we’re all monkeys in clothes, and while putting on those clothes we somehow forgot that physical touch is important to build connection. Monkeys spend a good part of their day grooming each other. Many other animals do the same to create social bonds and reduce stress. Given that it can be so beneficial to both our wellbeing and our social bonds, it’s a pity that it disappeared from modern life.

Let’s all be a bit more like these cats and cuddle when we’re bored

Now, I’m not saying that we should all groom and wash each other - that should probably stay at Burning Man - but instead embrace nonsexual touch more. Normalise hugs, cuddles, massages between friends, all with consent of course. That would contribute to The Good Life for me.