In the beginning of this year I visited three communities - Feÿtopia, Selgars, and The Garden. The Garden was supposed to be the grande finale - a large property in nature in Portugal, marketed as a mix of free-spirit and builder vibes, promising a balance between fun and productivity. From the pictures it looked like large crowds of hippies living life.
When I arrived, I found three people and a cat - not exactly the crowds I expected. “It’s off season - look around you: It’s raining all day and 12 degrees Celsius. People are in Thailand or Tenerife.” Of course this was on me. I could’ve put in more than five minutes of thought when booking four weeks of my life, I could’ve asked them, I could’ve done all kinds of things, but here I was.
That night, as I cuddled up miserably under my blanket - cold even though I was wearning a scarf and a beanie, I thought to myself: You’ve been here before. Every time there was change in the last weeks, you initially didn’t like the new people and by the end of the time you didn’t want to go. Give it a try, be open, engage, and you’ll like it. Four weeks later, when writing this draft on one of my last days at The Garden, exactly this is what happened. I really like everybody, I don’t want to go, and I’m skeptical of the next person I’ll be living with. [Update two weeks later: Loving my new flatmate].
What happened? Something very boring and simple. Research shows that we make new friends under three conditions: We’re close to each other, we have repeated unplanned interactions, and we’re in an environment that allows us to let our guards down. Or in short: The more time you spend with somebody, the better friends you become. This also explains why arranged marriages work and this story of somebody trying to build a relationship with somebody without any initial feelings and developing them on the way.
Communes are already scoring great on these criteria without doing much - people are very close to each other, they run into each other all the time, and because they are just living life next to each other it’s very natural to let one’s guard down. Taking the commune design perspective, I found a few factors to encourage this even more:
Architect the building so that people run into each other: Like in a chateau with one or two large shared communal spaces surrounded by the individual rooms. See this great post on the do’s and don’ts of coliving architecture.
Force people to interact through shifts: Like cooking shifts, cleanings shifts, gardening shifts, party planning committees, etc. Two birds with one stone - the kitchen gets cleaned and people can foster their friendships.
Create spaces for people to open up: At Feÿtopia we had weekly sharing circles, at The Garden we played the game Askhole. Both places also featured a sauna and a hot tub - what better way to let your guard down than sweating naked while philosophizing about life?
Focus on small-scale-serendipity: Half of the world are introverts - they thrive on small intimate interactions, not on large-scale outings. Even extroverts have an easier time letting their guard down when talking 1:1. Architecturally this can be designed for with microspaces. The shifts serve a similar purpose.
Allow for subgroups to emerge: You can only spend so much time with each person so if you want strong friendships, you can only maintain a few, which will lead to subgroups in a commune. Allow for that. Celebrate it. In my two weeks at Feÿtopia we even had three “official” subgroups: A Meat Club, the New Romantic Society, and a Drift club - all of them were playful and open with it, reducing risk of tribalism and us vs them.
Ok, so if making friends is so easy, should we just accept anybody into a community and let serendipity do its thing? Of course not. But I would put less focus on checking if we like each other upfront and more focus on the compatibility of their lifestyle, their alignment with our vision and values, and their emotional maturity. Especially the last one, referring to things like ability to communicate, to set boundaries, to take responsibility for oneself, is both incredibly important and difficult to navigate as written by Diana in her seminal book Creating A Life Together.
Ah I love this! I hope to make to the Garden soon, also in October haha!